Choosing the Right Moment

Growing up always fearful for your well-being isn't fun. There are different ways you can react to this environment. Some, like my brother Alex, didn't take all the shit that's coming their way and let it be known that what's going on, and the way they are being treated, is bullshit. This can cause a lot of pain in the moment, but doesn't make you anyone's...how shall I put it nicely...well, it doesn't make you feel as used and abused.

Others, like myself, just take it and hold things inside as a way to get by. Handling such enourmous stress and conflict isn't fun, and it can be easier in many ways to just take it and deal with all the shit that comes your way. Watching Trump's administration reminded me a lot of my childhood and the people around my father. Doing and/or saying nothing is in many ways less painful in the moment, but the long-term reprucussions are worse.

I've learned this and still struggle with it.

People have said I'm patient. You would have to be growing up in my family. But it goes beyond patience, and almost borders on masochism. How much abuse are you willing to take before you let out all of your anger, frustration, and despair?

I am patient, though, and it is because of how I grew up and probably my personality. And my choice to just take it and try and let it go. But what I've found is, it isn't always possible to really let it go, and it can come and bite you in the ass at the worst possible time.

All of the anger, self-loathing, sadness, and disappointment will break through sometime. In my life, there have been a few times this has happened and it's never actually been at the right time. I should have took this out on my father and those enabling him when I had the chance, not on my friend who didn't want to drink with me until 3 in the morning.

That's what happened, though, on a few occassions in my life I can luckily still count on one hand. Something would happen to me that I have a right to be upset about. Someone stole my shoes at a bar. My landlord never fixed something that broke in my apartment after they said they would. My friend said they would stay out with me on my birthday and didn't.

All reasons to be disappointed, but not reasons to let my past surface and say things I would regret. Essentially, I was wronged and had a right to be upset, but my poor response led to me being the one apologizing. I can now recognize that it wasn't the specific instance that led to my response, but it was because of a lifetime of holding things in and dealing with stuff I shouldn't have had to deal with. Especially not as a 9-year old kid. But I did, and I held the frustration and anger inside, and it came out at the wrong time decades later.

I haven't overcome this completely, but I am aware of it and try to do better. I need to pick and choose when I can be justified in the wrath I express, and when it is simply a manifestation of decades of abuse. It's not easy, but I'm learning and trying.

If I could go back and tell my 9-year old self to get angry at the abuse I endured - to follow my brother's example - I would. But I can't, and now I have to live with the effects.