Complacency

It felt so freeing just to have quiet.

No screaming. No arguing. No life or death problem that needs to be solved. No abuse. No hitting. Nobody trying to escape and then come back. Not being told you are the devil incarnate. Not being disowned for the 100th time. No psychological torment. No church services filled with rebuke at 6am and 7pm every day.

None of it.

Gone.

It was as if I could finally hear myself breath and think for the first time in my life. I was so happy to just have quiet and no stressful drama that culminated in hours of meaningless discussions just meant to build up one person’s ego.

Happiness can come in the smallest, most inconspicuous ways. For me, it was being able to wake up in my own apartment and know that I wouldn’t have to deal with all the stress that came with living in the same home as my father. I now had a new home, one that was mine and could be made as I saw fit. It finally felt like I was free, even though it would be years before I truly could be.

Finding happiness in just having a normal day was something that felt so pure but had an ugly side. It can lead to a habit of complacency. Looking back, I realize that being satisfied and being complacent are two different things. Satisfacton in your life means that you aren't generally expecting anything more. Complacency means that things are good enough for you to keep up the status quo, but it doesn't mean that you are completely satisfied. You can be complacent and dissatisfied at the same time, and the complacency only leads to more dissatisfaction.

I have some regret that I was too complacent with how things were and didn't more fervently strive to better myself or my situation. For example, I was working a job I knew wouldn't be a job I wanted to be in for the next ten years. Or even five years. But, the money was okay and in general I was just happy to have the basic things in life we all take for granted, so I stayed in that job longer than I wanted to or should have. I should have left and pursued my future more aggressively. But instead, I became complacent.

The habit of complacency can affect us all and can show up at any moment and very easily. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, then great! You are not complacent. But if you are just feeling "okay" about things and stay in your situation because it's the easy, familiar thing to do, you might be complacent. And that can lead to regret down the road and missed opportunities.

Enjoying the peace and quiet of a normal day in the beginning was okay. I had a right, I feel, to be complacent after I first escaped a cult I was born into. But years later, there were no excuses left, and I let my complacency fester into something that had a negative impact on my life. If I could go back and do it over again I would rid myself of this and at least try to do things that would bring more benefits to myself and my family.

In life there are no redos.

But I can help others along the way and end the complacency. In fact, that is a lot of what this entire experiment is about.